Emblem Gate
by Link015
Summary: [One Shot Parody of Watergate] Eliwood was in danger. The King of Bern was running for reelection as king, and Eliwood stood in his way. He would have to have Eliwood killed. So he hired assassins. Too bad they were incompetant.


Chris: Excuse me for this really weird, and most likely crappy, parody of the Watergate break-in. Cause, ya see, my Government teacher told us all about how the "second" Watergate break-in failed…So I decided to write a parody on it.

Hence, people might be OOC and Eliwood will be a complete dumbass. You've been warned. Repeatedly. Actually, just once.

Disclaimer: Don't own Fire Emblem. And if I owned a hotel that was the subject of a major investigation by four people, that would be cool. But I don't own Watergate.

Note: I'll be covering both Watergate break-ins. Nixon fans, don't hate me cause I'm a good writer. Hate me because of this fic. Just kidding.

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**Emblem Gate**

"Don't worry. Nobody will know it was us." A soft voice echoed through the halls of Castle Ostia. "Everyone remember the mission?" From the bottom of his shadowy hood, blond hair and shining blue eyes peeked out.

"Right, brother. Don't worry." Another man, this one with short, blond hair, murmured as they continued sneaking through the passage. He looked back at the others that accompanied them. One was a woman, the only woman actually. She had dark-blue hair and wore her version of mage robes, which showed a bit of cleavage. Another person was a man with deep, sunken eyes and spiky orange hair. He flipped his assassin daggers in the air nervously as he walked. And the last was a fat, bloated bishop. And that's all he wanted to say about that guy.

"I need to go to the potty." The fat guy spoke up.

The first man, Lloyd, groaned. "Kenneth, I know you're incontinent, but please…We're trying to kill Eliwood here. Now is not the time for going to the bathroom."

"Nevermind." Kenneth flushed.

"…Shit." Lloyd mumbled as he spotted part of the bishop's robes get wet. "Just what I need."

"Eh, don't worry about it, Lloyd. These guys are idiots. They can't stop us." Lloyd's brother, Linus, smirked. "We just have to creep into Eliwood's room and slit his throat."

"I'm tired. Can we go back to the base now?" Ursula spun a strand of hair in her fingers, looked bored.

"No!" Lloyd said in a fierce whisper. "We cannot go back! We need to kill Eliwood!"

"Ooohh….Hehehehehehe…Killing…Killing…Chopping…Chopping…Chopping Carrots for stew…Lovely orange carrots. Cut them into tiny cubes and let them simmer for a couple of moments for stew…Hehehehehe." The spiky, orange-haired person giggled madly.

"Jerme, shut up about your carrot stew. It sucked. The carrot pieces were too small." Lloyd pointed at the assassin. He paused before a room. "I believe this is the place where Eliwood sleeps."

"What makes you say that?" Ursula looked at the door curiously.

"Maybe it's the big bold letters that make up the name, 'Eliwood'." Lloyd said sarcastically. They silently opened the door, A.K.A. bashed it in, and sneaked inside, holding swords, daggers, and the whatnot.

"Can I use my whatnot? Pleeeeaaase?" Jerme begged, his hands wrapped out his beloved whatnot.

"No. Shut up." Lloyd looked at the sleeping figure in the bed. "Okay, let's do this quickly. Just one strike through the heart." Lloyd lifted his short sword, poised above the sleeping man's chest.

"Um…Lloyd? Isn't Eliwood supposed to have red hair? This guy has purple hair." Kenneth said.

"You shut up. I make it a rule of mine to not listen to incontinent idiots." Lloyd's sword flashed through the air, embedding itself into the man's body. Lloyd and the others quickly left the castle before reports of their grisly deed reached the ears of the other inhabitants of the castle.

Outside, they met their spy, Jaffar, who was looking through a spyglass. Lloyd tapped the assassin on the shoulder and Jaffar quickly turned, his spyglass now pointed to Lloyd's shirt.

"…It says, 'I like pr0n.' on your shirt." Jaffar remarked unemotionally.

"Give me that!" Lloyd snatched the spyglass out of Jaffar's hand and collapsed it. "Come on! Let's go before everyone finds out!"

The six figures slunk into the night, disappearing without a trace…

_---_

Of course, since the assassin's were stupid enough to believe that Marcus was Eliwood, they were also stupid enough to actually not kill Marcus. The elderly paladin was in fact fine, with only a slight wound on his leg that he explained as a 'football' injury. Since the fact that football was not around at the time, people thought the paladin was insane.

News of this reached the Bern castle, where the current king of Bern, Desmond, was pacing along his throne. "No! I must win my re-election! Now, if only that pesky Eliwood had been eliminated! Ephidel! Get your white, slimy ass in here right now!"

"Yeeeeeeeees?" The morph popped out of thin air, his tone mocking.

"I thought you said Eliwood would be dead! He is not dead! If he continues to survive, then I won't win my re-election! You got that?" Desmond pointed a finger at Ephidel. "Get your assassins in there, pronto!"

"As you wish, sire." Ephidel bowed and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Stupid morphs…Can't understand politics at all…Boy, if I ruled the world…"

"Honey! Stop your megalomaniac ramblings and come down to dinner! I made your favorite dinner! Raw steak!"

"I'll settle for that." Desmond rushed into the dining room.

_---_

"Apparently, we didn't complete the job last time." Lloyd said to his assassins-in-arms. "This time, we _will_ complete our mission, got that?" He looked at everyone, starting from Linus, and ending with Kenneth…Well, he would have ended with Kenneth, but the bishop had to take a quick bathroom break. "I told him that Sprite would haunt him, but nooooo…."

"I'm back! What'd I miss?" The bishop plopped back on his seat.

"Nothing. Now, here's what I have planned. We will assault the castle again and Jaffar will be our lookout. You have the warning rocks, right?"

Jaffar nodded. He picked up rocks that had small messages tied to them.

"Good. We strike tonight…This time, we won't stop until Eliwood is a bleeding corpse."

"Huzzah!"

_---_

Lloyd, Linus, Jerme, Ursula, and Kenneth crept towards Castle Ostia again, equipped with their usual infiltration gear, lockpicks, swords, money, booze, etc. Jaffar was situated on a nearby hill, looking through his spyglass and tracked the party's movements. The infiltration team slowly made their way to a side gate, careful to not get noticed. Lloyd tried the knob, which didn't work.

"Crap. Jerme, you brought the lockpicks, right?" Lloyd looked at the assassin, who grinned weakly.

"I did…But Kenneth…soiled them." He shrugged.

"Oops." Kenneth flushed. "Sorry."

"Gawd, dammit!" Lloyd shouted. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to keep his voice down and the word, 'Dammit!' continued to ring through the air. Which attracted the attention of one of the castle guards that was patrolling the bottom floor. Most namely, Eliwood.

The red-haired lord walked up to them, smiling widely. "Hello, friends! I see you're trying to get into the castle by the side door! Excellent choice if you wish to murder someone!"

"Umm….Yeah?" Lloyd said skeptically. He was wondering why a red-haired idiot was patrolling the grounds. He felt Linus tug at his sleeve. "What is it?"

"Is that Eliwood?" Linus pointed at the red hair

"It can't be!" Lloyd retorted.

"But-."

"No buts! Who's the smart one? HUH? WHO'S THE SMART ONE?" Lloyd whirled on his brother, poking him.

"You are?" Linus squeaked.

"Damn straight!" Lloyd turned back to Eliwood. "You see, we're here to kill someone, but we don't have a key…"

"I have one! Don't worry!" Eliwood pulled out a small golden key and opened the side door. "I hope you kill who you were sent here to kill!"

Lloyd shrugged and his assassin team went up the stairs to the fifth floor, where Eliwood was supposed to sleep. Eliwood, having seen his new friends depart, closed and locked the side door. Obviously, he didn't think there was something wrong. After all, all they said was that they wanted to kill someone. Where is the harm of that?

_---_

Lloyd and his team were creeping along the fifth floor when suddenly a rock crashed through one of the windows and landed at Ursula's feet, since she was in the back. What relevance this has, I don't know. I just write and read the stuff, I don't live it.

Ursula picked up the rock and unraveled the note on it. Taking a deep breath, she shouted, "Lloyd, we're on the floor! Eliwood's on the sixth floor! Jaffar's telling us this!"

Since, ya know, it was the dead of night and everything was silent, this loud outburst came as big shock to Lloyd. After hitting his head on the ceiling after his twenty-foot jump in the air, the leader of the team crumpled back on the floor, rubbing his sore head.

"Shut up! I don't want to hear you speak again!" Lloyd whispered fiercely. Ursula nodded, her eyes wide with tears. "Sigh…Just…Be quiet."

The valkyrie nodded and the team progressed to the _correct_ floor, cursing under their breaths.

Meanwhile, Eliwood had finally figured out that there was something wrong. Something wrong in the fact that five people had come to Ostia Castle to assassinate someone. Five people who looked evil and suspicious. That was what was wrong. So Eliwood decided to do something about it. He rushed up to the first floor, woke up some people, and organized a police force to stop the assassins.

This police force consisted of a cranky, tired Lyn, a slightly drunk Sain, a sleepy, stuttering, shy Florina, and finally a disheveled, slumbering mage by the name of Erk. In all accounts, a crappy team, but it was all Eliwood could rouse up. This team was not helped in the fact that Sain was busy trying to hit on Lyn, nor the fact that Erk was sleeping on his feet, and _especially_ not the fact that Florina could only shiver in fear of Sain. Nope, not at all.

But they slowly creeped up the stairs to the sixth floor, because Eliwood thought they were there. Like he said, bad guys were unlucky and the most lucky number is seven so if you subtract one from seven you get six, with is therefore bad luck. Didn't make any sense, but Eliwood swore on his life that it was true. And in this case, he was actually right.

_---_

Lloyd and his gang stopped outside of Eliwood's door again, which had been newly repaired.

"Are we going to break down the door again?" Linus asked happily.

"No, we have to check the door first." Lloyd said.

"Awww…Pleeeeaase?"

"No!" Lloyd warned, and he pushed against the door, which opened easily. Everyone crept inside.

Now, Jaffar, who had noticed that Eliwood had assembled a crack team of commandoes to intercept, decided to toss another warning rock. It crashed through another window and landed at Ursula's feet, again. But, since she had promised not to speak, she didn't bother opening it and reading the message. Now, you might wonder why the others didn't notice the shattering of the window. My explanation is that if they're stupid enough not to realize their target, they're stupid enough to not notice a window shattering.

This time, Lloyd crept to the _other_ bed in the room. He pulled back the covers and saw….Nothing! Cause Eliwood was not sleeping at the moment. The blond-haired man's face fell. This was not good. And then the five assassins heard footsteps behind them. Reacting with all the grace and intelligence of a cat, they all scrambled under the bed.

"Ouch, stop squishing me!"

"Stop squishing _me_!"

"This totally sucks!"

"Ewww! Kenneth! That's gross!"

"Sorry…"

"I want to change places!"

"Oh god, what is that smell?"

"Kenneth!"

"It wasn't me!"

"LINUS!"

"Oops."

At this time, Eliwood and his team burst into the room. Well, actually, only Eliwood did. Erk was currently falling down the stairs, sleeping and snoring. Florina was shivering from the cold and trying to hide from Sain. Sain was groping Lyn and Lyn was too tired to give a damn at the moment. Which all totaled up to total scoreage for Sain. Go cavaliers.

Eliwood looked around the room. Not noticed the ten pairs of eyes staring at him from the bottom of his bed, he plopped himself right on it, earning groans of pain by the people below the bed. "Hmm…." Eliwood scratched his chin. "What do I have here…" He pulled out a giant rock. "How'd this get here?" He dropped it on his bed. Another groan echoed from under the bed. "Wallace's armor? Why is it in my room?" He plopped that on his bed. And he continued. Oswin's armor, Hector's armor, a bunch of assorted weapons, a fold-up catapult, five more giant stones, etc. All of them on the bed. Which finally collapsed and all those items landed on the Black Fang assassins.

"Good god, we shouldn't have to suffer this pain!" Lloyd yelled. They all scrambled out from the wreckage.

"Freeze, dirtbags!" Eliwood pointed his rapier at the five criminals. "I'm taking you in!"

"For what? Just for playing a nice game of hide-and-seek?" Lloyd looked as innocent as possible.

"…Yeah, that's not a charge. Well, I'll be seeing you guys then! Have fun with hide-and-seek!" Eliwood waved the five people off. The assassin's exchanged glances before dashing out of the castle and picking up Jaffar. And afterwards, they became random villagers and remained NPCs till the end of their days.

**

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**Chris: No, this is not the true tale of Watergate, for a couple of reasons. While the burglars of Watergate were stupid, they were _not_ this stupid. Also, they had walkie-talkies. There are no walkie-talkies in FE. And the burglars were arrested, not turned into nameless NPCs. Chris: No, this is not the true tale of Watergate, for a couple of reasons. While the burglars of Watergate were stupid, they were this stupid. Also, they had walkie-talkies. There are no walkie-talkies in FE. And the burglars were arrested, not turned into nameless NPCs. 

Also, there was a lot more cussing and the guys hid under a desk, not a bed.

Well, review please, and remember, history can be fun too! Especially when put into fun context and made to look like a Spy vs. Spy comic. Kinda. And remember. Review. The narrator compels you.


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